there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
