Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize