I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
