When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
PANTIES FOUND
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