I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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