Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Is it because I queefed?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
