btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
