Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
