the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
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