i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
