i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
