I'm laying in your front yard are you home
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Randomize