Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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