I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
