i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
