Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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