I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
