new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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