made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
