Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
