now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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