I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
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