My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
