I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
