My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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