Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
