remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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