You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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