i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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