I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
