oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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