There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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