Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
