we made out on top of his cat.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
