I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
