Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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