new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
