4 words: hood of his car
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
