this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Randomize
