Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
