I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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