dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
