Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
