last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize