my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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