I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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