He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Randomize
