the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
