My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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