These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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