I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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