I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
