When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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