I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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