what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize