also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
