you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
